Welcome to the first edition of a series of posts entitled: What Not to Do with a Toddler.
This is certainly not the first time I have written about traveling with a baby; it’s a common theme on my blog. However this is the first time I have written about traveling with a toddler – a far more harrowing experience. While traveling with Elisabeth during her infant stage was a scary prospect, the fact is she was small and light and generally quiet and could nurse anytime she became less than quiet. What’s so hard about that? But now as a toddler, she walks and talks and eats. All. The. Time. And she’s heavy and squirmy and too big for the bathroom changing tables. And she’s social and likes to touch everyone and everything and she eats. All. The. Time.
Last month’s 10-hour international flight from Tokyo to Los Angeles caused me a great deal of pre-trip anxiety. So over-planned and over-packed. Was all my planning and packing in vain? No. But did it make the trip really all that much easier? Heck no. Here’s why:
1) Toddlers require even more stuff than babies.
A few days before we left, I went one of our local 100 Yen stores (like a dollar store, but way, way better) and bought a bunch of crappy toys that were sure to entertain Elisabeth. My personal favorite? A small, cylindrical tin I filled with brightly colored, plastic clothespins. I envisioned Elisabeth completely engrossed by this tin, endlessly opening and closing the top, removing and replacing the clothespins. I had never conceived so brilliant a plan! And for so cheap! Quite pleased with myself, I packed all of Elisabeth’s entertainment (also including a sticker book, some paper and crayons, a knock-off Etch-a-Sketch, and a couple of books) into one carry-on.
I figured the key to a stress-free flight was compartmentalization. So after dedicating that one carry-on to Elisabeth’s in-flight entertainment, I reserved her diaper back for her snacks (And, well, diapers.) Did I mention Elisabeth likes to eat? Because not only did I have a 10-hour flight to contend with, but also a two-hour car ride to the airport and a three-hour wait time till our plane actually took off. That’s 15 total hours of travel time, or 15 hours of Elisabeth persistently asking for, “Cheese? Cheese?”
So I packed string cheese. And crackers. And pouches. And Puffs. And a Peanut Butter Sandwich. And God knows what else. I was not going to risk my child having a meltdown mid-flight and not having something to shove in her mouth to shut her up. (I know, I know. You’re not supposed to use food as a distraction took. I like to think air travel is the exception to that rule.)
Then I packed a backpack for myself with our travel documents, a couple of magazines which remained untouched, and miscellaneous Elisabeth items. And then I packed my laptop case. That is 4 pieces of carry-on. With one person doing the carrying.
And, oh yeah, Elisabeth had her own seat so I also had her car seat. That’s brings the total to five. Plus the toddler equals six. Six things to carry on, two arms to do it. You do the math.
This brings me to the second reason why flying with a toddler is something to be avoided:
2) Air passengers seem to be a particular breed of mean and unhelpful.
When it came time for me to board, I wrangled Elisabeth into the baby carrier on my chest, slung one bag on one shoulder, the laptop case on the other and wore the diaper bag on my back. I then placed my backpack into the carseat and hoisted it above my head. Remember how United Airlines discontinued family pre-boarding? Well, I had around 34 rows of passengers to maneuver through before reaching my seat. And not a single one offered to help me. With all the bags hanging from my body, I didn’t exactly fit easily down the aisle. And with my hands holding the heavy carseat above my head, I couldn’t do anything but keep on moving as those bags knocked every single person I passed. But you know what? They deserved it, because they didn’t offer to help me. Not only did they not help, they glared. They glared hard. At the single mother lugging her body weight in string cheese. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY?
After bruising about a third of the passengers with clothespin-filled tins, I eventually reached my seat and settled in. A lovely young woman (who teaches small children English – thank you, God!) took her window seat and I began strapping in Elisabeth’s car seat.
I did a quick scan of the passengers. No cheerleading teams. Already this flight would not be the worst flight ever. So that was good.
Then a flight attendant appeared by my side. “Hel-looooo,” a she crooned at Elisabeth. Yes! A baby-friendly flight crew! Score! Maybe she’ll hold Elisabeth when I have to pee!
Wrong.
“Is that car seat approved for air travel?” she asked, in a fake-nice voice. I sensed an enemy.
“Uh, well, I’ve traveled with it several times before so… yes?”
“Do you see how it goes over the edge of the seat?”
I looked down and yes, I saw that it protruded about half an inch past the edge of the seat.
“Should something happen,” the flight attendant continued, “the lady in the window seat wouldn’t be able to get out.”
You mean that rail thin woman wouldn’t be able to pass a car seat slightly sticking over the edge? I call BS.
“I’m afraid you won’t be able to use the seat unless you’re in the window.”
So we paid how much money for Elisabeth’s own seat only to not be allowed to use her carseat?! *Expletive*
“You can totally have the window seat if you’d like,” the thin teacher offered.
Which brings me to #3:
3) Toddlers are tiny bundles of energy that must be allowed to exit their seats several times over the course of a 10-hour flight or they might literally explode. And, the diapers.
I did a quick pro-and-con list in my head. Use the car seat by the window and risk confinement or lose the car seat and risk, well, the opposite of confinement. I chose the latter and kept our aisle and middle seat. The ability to exit our seats easily to change diapers, walk off energy, etc. was more important than using the car seat to keep Elisabeth locked in. Besides, surely all the creative and thoughtful entertainment I had provided would keep Elisabeth settled nicely in her big-girl chair! Except…
4) Toddlers have the attention span of a gnat.
Elisabeth loved the tin-with-clothespins. For about five minutes. Then she began stuffing them into the seat pocket and throwing them on the floor for Thin Teacher to pick up. And then she touched Thin Teacher. Constantly. And there is no way to keep a toddler from constantly touching your aisle-mate without strapping her (the toddler, not the Thin Teacher) into a freaking carseat! The seat is just too damn big and open for small children!
So I tried the Etch-a-Sketch. But Elisabeth tried eating the magnets.
So we tried coloring. But Elisabeth tried eating the crayons.
So we tried eating actual food. But Elisabeth spilled her meal all over Thin Teacher.
So we tried reading. But Elisabeth kept giving her books to Thin Teacher.
And of course I took the middle seat to try to keep Elisabeth from annoying Thin Teacher, but then Elisabeth tried to escape into the aisle, right in the path of dangerous oncoming beverage carts. I just couldn’t risk injury by beverage cart.
Eventually, I succumbed to… technology. Elisabeth rarely gets to use the iPad or watch TV, but desperate times…
After Elisabeth bored of the iPad, I held her in my lap and let her watch (without audio) some children’s cartoon. She totally zoned out.
But then she was too stimulated to go to sleep.
And even if she hadn’t been stimulated, she still wouldn’t have gone to sleep because there the seat is just too damn big and open WITHOUT A FREAKING CARSEAT TO STRAP HER IN!
This is where I leave you. I will finish the other 45,389 reasons why you should not travel with a toddler by air in my next post, but for now, recounting this experience is making me tired!
You should make your family and friends travel to see you. Much easier. If you must fly with your toddler, may I suggest drugs? LSD is probably good. Or Ecstasy. You owe that skinny teacher a bottle of wine.